The Daily Dark

Sing me to sleep

In the darkness the trees are full of starlight

The first day of autumn has come and gone, in the blink of an eye  leaves shifted from green to orange and flowers are getting  harder to spot. Even though I find marvel in finding the town painted in orange, I can not help feeling a pang in my heart. Is it my soul that aches for eternal colours or just my blood that is in love with the summer heat? Love is a capricious emotion, and my philosophy teacher rightly attached the word capricious to me once. This love I feel for the hot wind on my shoulders, to see my skin turn red or brown under the sun, to find solace in a ray of light has not one but many reasons to be. Or maybe just maybe its simply that under the sun I feel my anemia is an imaginary illness and that the coldness of my fingers is due to being  far too long under the shadows influence. I only wish i could grasp the meaning of my addiction to warmness. 

Currently I’m drinking my first Segovian cup of tea. I’m feeling it’s warmness inside of me , running from the tip of my tips to my lips and then jiggling ….all this  while I ponder on  the nature of sleep. Autumn is the way of nature for preparing to sleep, it takes its clothes off, washes the dirt of the summer of its face. It nudes right in front of us. Then it goes to sleep, going blank just as our faces go when we sleep. I envy its calm sleep. I want to close my eyes, and feel my body sigh with happiness. Then go into that world that makes no sense, but that emanates the perfume of meaning. And forget, forget about everything.  Disconnect myself.  Above all, I just want to sleep under a starry night.They appear to be so distant, yet so warm, beaming, unique. 

They suggest to me the idea of freedom to be whoever I want to be  while in the safety of a warm embrace. If dreams are the liberation of our ounce desires-I want to sleep under the stars so while I sleep I can feel the conversation they hold with that part of me that all eyes but no words. I would then be free from the bounds of my reality.  Sans violent heartbeats, sans thought chains or nightmares. I would let go of earth and be able to sleep again.  Lost in the silver screen of my mind.  

-Once a guy told me, I see you and all I can think about is hugging you and falling asleep-and then together dream a whole new world. At the moment I was shocked, how could a complete stranger voice one of my most secret desires? Then I realized he probably just wanted to get into bed with me and reproduce the equation of man plus woman equals fucking. His wording had just been a memorized phrase probably gotten out of a cheap american movie. He didn’t get lucky but my mind sure got into another unconscious. What lies beyond sleeping? For it is not only the body resting but the inner world going mute. 

Sleeping is enjoying the silence of the world’s buzzle. But sometimes, your inner world screams at you worse than a heavy metal song at top volume. And you can not escape from yourself, all you can do is hope for someone to cheer you up while you fight. No one can fight your demons but you. The only thing that another can do  is a hush at the middle of the night or a cheering up smile. Maybe that is why when you sleep with another living being dreaming is not as terrible. Once you sleep with someone next to you, not mattering the reason. Let it be your best friend or simply a cat-you get accustomed to feeling the soothing tranquilly of the other’s breathing. In a way you create an illusion of f safety. That is why I want to sleep under the stars, I want to feel that I shan’t burn while I rest. *mentally playing nirvana*  I’m sick  of waking up hugging  something. Maybe under them and the sound of their lullaby, I won’t feel the need to hug. I sometimes do wonder,  why can’t I just be like the trees, letting go of their leaves in autumn? Even more, letting them through the dance we have all observed of the leaves with the wind? or better yet, a tree under the stars?